Student Composition 7:
Mobile Phones on Campus
Communication revolution has brought a great convenience (1) to modern society and people. Especially, the occurrence of mobile phone, in a way (2), has changed the world where we live. Maybe the mobile phone was a luxury for (3) only a few a decade ago. Now, it is no exaggeration (4) to say that the difference between the part (5) and the present is as vast as that between earth and heaven. With no exception (6), campus students also fall into the category called “cell-phone school” (7).
The present time is seeing a mobile phone boom on our campus (8), especially in big cities like Beijing, Shanghai, Guangzhou and etc. Statistics show that about one out of every seven college students possess a cell-phone (9). According to the mentioned above (10), the advantages of the mobile phone are obvious. Firstly, you can talk to your relatives or friends who may live thousands of miles from you via it (11). Your can carry it around wherever you go. Secondly, you don’t have (12) a notebook for phone numbers in that (13) they can be stored in its memory. That’s why mobile phone is so popular with people and college students. In my opinion, college students who are born in rich families own cell-phone, I would settle for that case (14). Nevertheless., some who are born in poor families can not bear losing face and then want to own a mobile phone. Frankly speaking,, I don’t eye to eye (15) with them.
Given your family’s condition, you should make a wise and reasonable decision (16). It is very necessary for a college student to consider whether he is suitable for owning a mobile phone (17). After all, mobile phone costs much. As far as we students are concerned, we should take an objective and correct attitude (18) towards mobile phone.
The writer's overall sentence structure is not too bad, however there is not much content here. As with many students, there are a number of errors that affect clarity. Many mistakes are small but easily corrected:
3. The word "for" refers to how long something continued. In this case, the writer is comparing the present with one moment in the past, so "for" should be dropped.
5. Of course, this should be "past", not "part".
8. This does not only refer to one campus but to campuses in many cities. It could be changed to something more specific such as "on campuses all across China".
10. Many things were mentioned earlier. Which one does the writer want to refer to? Most likely, the writer is refering to the previous statistic and so should write specifically "This statistic indicates that...".
11. There is no need for "via it" in this sentence. Just leave it out.
12. The writer must mean "you don't need a notebook".
13. "In that" is too formal and should be used only when explaining a complex argument. "Because" is good enough.
15. The writer missed a word here. It should be "I don't see eye to eye with them".
17. A person is never suitable for owning, at least in today's modern age. Students should consider "whether it is suitable to own" a mobile phone.
Besides these small errors, there are words and expressions that have been completely misused:
2. The expression "in a way" is used when we want to show that this is not necessarily true in all cases. In one way it may be true, but not in all ways. However, in this case, the writer claims that the world has very definitely changed. It is quite literally true, not just "in a way".
4. The writer makes an extreme exaggeration, but claims it is "no exaggeration". It seems the writer is only concerned with writing sentences, rather than with communicating a message.
6. Categories are used to differentiate things, but if all schools are the same, as the writer says by saying there are "no exceptions", then why put schools into a category?
In two places, phrases are totally incomprehensible:
7. Perhaps "cell-phone school" is translated from Chinese, but written here in English, it has no meaning. The writer should explain this expression. Always remember to keep the reader in mind and explain any expressions that may cause confusion.
14. "I would settle for that case" is strange for many reasons. First, why does the writer have to settle for anything? Is there a negotiation going on? Second, what "case" is the writer referring to? Third, why does this statement follow the statement that rich people can buy things, a fact which all human beings are already aware of?
Finally, as with most student compositions, there are many vague, general words and expressions used that simply don't communicate anything real:
1. It would be better if the writer gave an example of this "great convenience".
16. What is a "wise and reasonable" decision? This could mean anything, according to each individual person's opinion!
18. As with "wise and reasonable", "an objective and correct attitude" is determined by each individual's beliefs. In both number 16 and number 18, the writer should give some information - an example or some standard - so that we know what these vague words refer to.
To get an idea of how to be specific, look at number 9, "seven out of ten college students...". This is the only clear example the writer gives us in the whole composition. It is specific, it is clear, it is memorable! Adding more such specific details will improve your writing significantly.
Mobile Phones on Campus
The Communication Revolution has changed the way we live, work and have fun. The mobile phone in particular has changed the way we communicate with the world around us. Though mobile phones were a luxury only a few decades ago, they are now considered necessities by many people. This attitude even exists among students on campuses all around China, especially in big cities such as Beijing, Shanghai and Guangzhou.
Statistics show that one out of every seven college students possess a cell phone. The advantages of owning a cell phone are obvious. You can talk with your friends and relatives who may live thousands of miles away. You can carry it wherever you go. You don't need a notebook to store phone numbers because your cell phone has a memory.
Now, I have nothing against students from rich families having cell phones. After all, they can afford it. However, I don't see eye to eye with poor students who only buy cell phones in order to avoid losing face. Considering their families' conditions, they should make the decision to buy a cell phone using reason rather than emotion. All students should try to think objectively before spending their hard earned cash.